Hey friends! I sincerely apologize for it being soooo long before posting another blog post to my site. We ALL know how the year 2020 has been. Let's pick up where I left off from the last post. Let's recap shall we?
At this point in my journey I was feeling just overall confused. I realized what I had gotten into as a young adult woman. I knew I didn't want to be treated the way I was being treated as a woman and person in general. See "Strength To Walk Away" (the previous post) to get an idea. I was being verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused. Yes, sexually abused in my own marriage. That is possible. If your spouse is wanting sex and you say no for WHATEVER reason, yet he/she manipulates you...yes that is considered spousal sexual abuse. You can say no and it be ok! That is not the way God intended for marriage and sexual intimacy to be. Ok...rant over.
Like I said, I was feeling very confused. I wanted this marriage to work. I am not an advocate for divorce. I was hell bent on showing that this marriage could and WOULD work. I had a decision to make. Before any kind of decision was made, I turned to scripture. Actually I turned to me mom first who then pointed me to scripture. She had been studying Song of Solomon at her church at the time. If you haven't read it, you definitely should! It will show any woman feeling unloved and undeserving exactly how they should be treated and how Christ treats the church as His bride.
I read it and even watched the video replay of the sermon my mom had mentioned from her church. I studied the scriptures, went to work like usual, and started taking care of me again. My mom even took me shopping for new clothes to wear to work and even some "just cause" clothes since my husband at the time had gotten rid of most of my clothes without asking. I was starting to feel like "me" again. I did keep some contact with my husband. Not much, but some. I knew I needed to center myself and realign myself with God and what He wanted.
The more I delved into Song of Solomon, I realized how much God loved me and didn't want to see me in pain. I made a list of all the godly qualities I saw from a man in Song of Solomon. I prayed, "God, I know i want and need these things in order for my marriage to work. I pray you would send this type of man into my life whether it be the marriage I am in now or a future spouse. I want things to work. I pray if it is my current husband, that you would do a mighty work in him. Transform him from the inside out." That was my prayer for several nights.
Our 1 year anniversary had been drawing near at the time of my escape. I had gotten a call from my husband saying he wanted to come see me and bring me a gift for our anniversary. I obliged knowing I needed to have a serious conversation with him concerning our marriage. He came over to my mom's dressed nicely with a gift in his hand. Before I opened it, I told him what all I had been seeing in scripture. What God had been showing me. My husband then confessed to me with tears in his eyes that he had been addicted to pornography since he was a teen and that it had leaked into our marriage as well. Doing what I thought was the right thing. I forgave him, told him I wanted counseling, and gave him one more chance to prove to me that He wanted this to work. We prayed together and then went our separate ways for the time being.
That night I called him to say goodnight. He seemed distracted and acted like he didn't really want to be on the phone with me. I suspected he was in his addiction again, not 12 hours after making a commitment to working on our marriage. I asked him if he had been looking at porn again and he said yes. I knew that was my answer. Something happened within those 12 hours that I can't explain. I asked for God to give me a sign. I asked him to show me a scripture that showed me what to do with this particular situation.
In tears, I opened my bible and the first passage I saw was Matthew 5:31-32. "Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce. But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Except on the grounds of sexual immorality...those words resonated with me and still do to this day. Had he been unfaithful? Yes! Had he been treating me like Christ sees the church? No. That was my answer.
Had I done everything in my power to make this marriage work at that time? Yes. I sought after God. I prayed. I even repented for any part I played in this situation. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. No matter how badly you want it to work, you can't change the other person. He/she has to make that same commitment with God and be on the same page. By his actions displayed in those last 12 hours, my husband's answer was no. I later found out that he never wanted to go to counseling. He was back in his old habits again. So, I started the paperwork for filing for divorce.
Around this time, I began pouring out my emotions through the only outlet I had learned to express feelings through. That was music. I began writing music again. I began singing again. I wrote "Invitation" as my own expression of repentance to God. I wrote it apologetically to my family and friends that I had hurt along the way to choosing this wrong path.
Take a listen on SPOTIFY or ITUNES today and let me know what you think in the comments below. You can purchase the single HERE. Click HERE to download the FULL EP. If you would like a hardcopy, email ME at email@example.com along with $10 on paypal at PayPal.Me/sarahyoungmusic
Have you ever gone through a time of "Waitin' on an Invitation"? I'd love to hear about your story!